WHAT I NEVER SAID TO YOU !!

I LOVE YOU ......I never got the chance to say these words to you. And here I am, right now, going through the biggest metamorphosis ever. I still can’t understand how did u manage to become my world, but u simply did. And now it hurts, it hurts me to the limitless limits of pain having lost u…
Actually I don’t know if I ever really had you. But I can say, that the most wonderful day of my life has been that April day when I went out with you.
It all started as a game. And I can’t forgive myself that I didn’t hold u tight in my arms when u were falling for me, but I simply let u go…
I so much regret this, and I guess this will stay with me forever. But I guess this is the price I have to pay…
Here I am now, living in some grey, shapeless world. I feel so lonely, so weak without you. I have lost the joy in my eyes. I forgot to smile. I don’t feel the wind I can’t see the sun. People are so invisible to me. They are so much out of my world. It’s only u in there. Or should I say a lingering shadow of your memory…?
And the worst is that I am getting used to living in this lonely, sad and scary world.
I am getting used to waking up in the morning with your face in my mind and going to sleep with the same mirage. I know I have lost u forever, but what hurts me the most is the killing silence between us.
I don’t know how I can stand to meet u, look into the depth of your eyes and not being able to say u sth, at least to ask u a simple “why”, while inside my soul is screaming so loud…
I had never thought that love could hurt so much, even physically…Yesterday I haven’t been able to do anything else, beside thinking of you. And I was lying in my bed, and crying bitter tears about you and wanting so much to be in your arms. And for some moments my tears froze. I couldn’t cry for some instant, cause I felt like a strong hand was stringing me tight in my chest and I couldn’t breathe. It seemed like somebody had hit my chest and was trying to grab my heart. Actually, I would have liked that to happen, so I wouldn’t suffer for you anymore. But it is just impossible, cuase my heart is shattered in thousands of pieces right now and I don’t know where to find them. Now u are my missing air to breathe, you are my missing light, you are my missing world. I feel torn apart, drowned in some cold icy water… Have u ever felt like being on the peek of some steep rock, with rain and wind and storm hitting you all over, but you just don’t realize that?
I did. I realized that yesterday it was raining and I was holding a closed umbrella in my hands. I was so much out of the world that I was getting soaked wet by the rain and still didn’t feel that. I so hate myself for letting love come to me…Why can’t I hate you? Why, why, why….???
Go to the window babe. Open it and have a look at the sky right now. Maybe it can help u understand what does my life look like right now: scattered black clouds creating a thick scary mist…. U know what’s left from me? Only some foggy image on a broken mirror. Maybe some day you would like to pick these broken pieces up and put them apart, so u can recall what u can do.
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Give me your hand and save me from this hell. Now I am really convinced I will go to heaven when I’ll physically die, because I lived enough hell here.
You will never get to know this but you were my first, last and everlasting love. If I could I would hate you with all my strength, but I can’t…so I guess it remains no other choice to me, but love, love, love u in this killing silence. Yes, my baby, u put an end to my life. I am condemned to carry you with me, wherever I am. And I love u, love u, love u , love u, love u….And I still can’t breathe, and I still don’t smile, and I still don’t feel…
I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u, I love u I.
You will never get to read this. This is my first and last love letter I ever write. With some simple move u turned me into ashes, and from now and on, I will just pretend to carry on living…. I think I will simply get used to live in the tragedy of my heart. Welcome to my pain!
YOURS FOREVER….